Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
