I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
