I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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