My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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