i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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