My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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