Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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