i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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