I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize