i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
