everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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