youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You had me at "let me see your balls"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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