I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
