my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize