You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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