We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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