so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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