why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
