the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
