Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
