there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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