the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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