When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
