he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
