She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
