Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
