dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
