I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize