i will never coherently bang her
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
