So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
