Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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