JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
