Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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