I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
