Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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