I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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