I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
