Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize