bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
