why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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