mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
worst night to have a conscience
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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