I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
