I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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