Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize