dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
