She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
