enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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