The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You pole danced in your parka.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Randomize
