Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
