Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
