Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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