I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
