I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
