Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
