i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
