8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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