If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
