Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
