If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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