feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize